i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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