i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
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Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
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In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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