This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
