i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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