Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
