Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
