i can't believe i had my finger in that
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
