the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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