Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We had to coat check the pizza.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
