You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
