how can u be prego again
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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