I never want to see another naked old woman again.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
