I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
All I want is dick and wine.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
