If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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