New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
