do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
