Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The uberlube is also flammable
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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