Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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