so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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