...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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