He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
