his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She even gives head with a lisp.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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