Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
