Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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