ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
