Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
