I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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