I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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