Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
