I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
