also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
