My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
