he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
