My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
