Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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