hotel room ftw
look no pants
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
