i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
