i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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