Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Randomize
