somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
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Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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