What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
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Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
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I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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