I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
