guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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