Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
