bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
the gays at disneyland are vicious
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize