Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
