she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
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I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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