Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
