Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
