If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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