last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
