so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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