There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
