Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
