he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
