don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
All I want is dick and wine.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
