saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
